I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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