Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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