His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
