I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
