that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Pants are for mortals
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
