her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Im part way to drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
