woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
