I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
even my farts smell like vagina
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
