Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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