I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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