do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Randomize