My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
smell my finger.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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