I puked a lego.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
