Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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