i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Too much gin, very little bucket
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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