Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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