My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
no, he came in my armpit
I skipped work to stalk him.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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