Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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