Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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