You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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