dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
