i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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