That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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