meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i've created a new STD.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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