So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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