the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
