Who wears a wallet chain?!
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Drunk is a universal language darling
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