I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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