I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
