Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize