K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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