Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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