I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
