You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
