you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
