Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
