My hand turned me down
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
