just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just pee around me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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