I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
