one might say we're banned from that church
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
