I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
