She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize