if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
