I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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