uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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