His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
