I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
