Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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