I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
