Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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