sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
