dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
