i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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