i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
