the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
