she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
