Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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