Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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