There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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