I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
