Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
