Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
