I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
